Do you ever fall down the YouTube rabbit hole? One of my goals this year (I have many) is to be more intentional with my time. I spend a lot of time watching tv, surfing the net and on social media. And while improving my social media presence is another goal of mine, like I said before, I want to be intentional about my time. If it doesn’t suit my purpose and my goals, then I shouldn’t be doing it. So instead of looking at what celebrities are posting on IG or reading about the latest gossip, I could be looking up recipes or seeing what’s trending in food and wellness.
So while in an attempt to keep on track, I searched on YouTube for videos on productivity. I have watched MANY productivity videos in my time. I love Jordan Page at Fun Cheap or Free. She’s a mom of 8, entrepreneur and has mastered the art of productivity and frugal living. And although I love everything she teaches, I am always on the hunt for more tips and different ways to do things, that might resonate with me so much so, that I will actually stick to it.
While searching, I stumbled upon a channel by Rowena Tsai. I have never seen a video from her before but with over 500k subscribers, I can see why she has the following she does. Her channel focuses on wellness, productivity and self care. I watched a video about how she changed her life and what has brought her to where she is in her life. Ofcourse, she mentioned the early and tragic loss of her older brother. It immediately brought me to tears because obviously I can relate to her pain. But there was one thing that she said that really struck a cord with me.
Over the last 10 months I have really struggled with understanding why mom died. I’ve always been taught, even by her, that everything happens for a reason. And I just haven’t been able to come to terms with the fact that there’s some grand reason for why she died. It doesn’t make sense in my mind. She was so kind and loving and beautiful. She was an amazing friend, wife, mother and grandmother. She was finally in a place in her life where she was happy. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
So while watching Rowena, she described her Aha! moment that helped her come to terms with her brother’s death. She said, “I had a thought [to myself]. What if you and your brother signed a pact in a previous life. And the pact or the agreement was that he would depart earlier so that it could wake you up and help motivate you and encourage you to do what the both of you promised to do and set out to do.”
I wish I could say that hearing that sent me right into action. It did not. But it did make me stop and think. My mom and I promised each other we would lose weight and get healthy. My mom and I wanted to start a business together and even write a book together. These are all things that I’ve said I was going to do time and time again. And time and time again I have failed. But what if, in a past life we made a pact that she would go and I would continue on our path.
I’ve never said this to anyone but sometimes I get “feelings” about things. Some people may call it “visions” and others may call it “intuition”. Either way, I knew that I would lose my mother early in my life. I knew it deep down in my soul. Every time she got in the car, I prayed that she would make it to her destination safely. Any time she was late in calling me, or she didn’t respond to a text, I became frantic thinking that something had happened to her. And when she got sick, I knew how it was going to end.
On February 22, 2020, we were together celebrating Wayne’s birthday. She and I were alone in the kitchen and for some reason we began to talk about if she were to die. It was as if she knew too. I can’t explain it. And in that conversation, I promised her that I would be ok and that I would look after Wayne. So I need to buck up and start taking care of myself. Because what if. What if, in a past life we made that same pact. I believe in soul mates. And I believe that my mother was my soul mate. So it’s possible that we were together in a past life and we will be together again in another life. But in this life, the one I’m still living in, I need to follow through on my promise to her and be ok. I need to continue with the goals we had for each other to lose weight and get healthy. To start my own business and maybe even write a book. I’m going to do all the things I said I would do with her, because I don’t break my promises.